


it's not your fault (it doesn't have to be)

by anotherwesternvampire



Category: Creep (2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, M/M, Rating May Change, anorexic!sara, as it goes on this list will grow but these are the basics, bpd!sara, but homeboy has doubts and issues with it, but not like the dumb fake kind. the real kind, catholic!aaron, did anyone ask for this? no. am i writing it anyway? yes, each chapter has individual trigger warnings at the beginning so pls check those!!, feels weird putting an exclamation point after the word anorexic, josef is just josef tbh, me? project on fictional characters? never, ocd!aaron, schizophrenic!aaron, this isn't gonna be a very happy story but is anything with this ship?, who knows at this point - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-01-24 01:15:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21329827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherwesternvampire/pseuds/anotherwesternvampire
Summary: aaron has a breakdown which leads to him being admitted to willow view, a prominent mental health institution. he doesn't know what to expect, but it certainly isn't meeting a man like josef.(or: two mentally ill men forge a strange connection and aaron is too nice.)((ON HIATUS but i promise i'll come back to this))
Relationships: Josef/Aaron
Comments: 7
Kudos: 16





	1. st. zita

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which aaron goes through a tedious admissions process and learns of a not-so-secret admirer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title taken from "[all the right things](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw0gvKZbKlY)" by son lux. all of the lyrics are very relevant to this story, so check it out if you can! (tw for mentions of self-harm that will persist throughout the story.)

_ **st. zita: the patron saint of maids and domestic workers. unofficially the patron saint of cleaning and tidiness.** _

“The ambulance should be here in about 20? 25 minutes?”

Aaron nodded. He was glad to be leaving. He’d come in on a Friday night and thus, this room had been his home the last two days. It smelled odd- too clean, too sterile. It was fucking with his head.

“Your roommate dropped off a bag for you with all the stuff you said you needed. At least I hope it has all the stuff,” the nurse laughed as he set the duffel bag on the bed. Aaron gave him a polite smile and took a sip of water from his styrofoam cup.

He still didn’t really get why he needed suicide watch. He wasn’t complaining that he wanted to die; just that his head was swimming and nothing felt right. And yes, maybe he’d considered jumping off a three floor ledge but that was only to see the fountain at the bottom. And perhaps he’d burned himself but only because if he didn’t, his dad was gonna drop from heaven into hell. And- only, only, only- _fuck_, he needed his meds upped.

“Your temporary burning saved him from eternal burning,” the nurse said.

Aaron whipped around. “What?”

The nurse stared at him, eyebrow quirked. “I didn’t say anything.”

“But- but you just-” Aaron stopped and pulled in a choked breath, hand in his hair. “Never mind.”

“Hey, it’s okay man. No worries.”

“Yeah, thanks. Sorry, I just...I don’t know.”

The nurse gave an understanding smile and sat back down in his chair, attention turned to his computer.

Aaron’s head was seriously going to explode if he didn’t get out of this room soon. It smelled like rubbing alcohol, every last inch of it. He swore he could smell the sanitizer on the nurse’s hands. Despite the abstract paintings on the wall and the huge windows, the room felt so goddamn _empty_. The smell was vacuous, like it just erased everything it came into contact with. But wasn’t that the point of cleaning agents? To remove every last morsel of existence? The space behind his left eye pulsed. He felt like screaming.

“I’m gonna shower real quick.”

“Okay! No problem.”

Aaron walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. Before the nurse could say anything, he cracked it open a bit. Rules are rules.

The shower handle was pristine; not a fingerprint in sight. It was strange, seeing as he’d used it Saturday. Were they coming in while he was asleep and cleaning everything? Did they polish the handles, scrub the windows? Did they take off his blanket and put a new one on? Did they change his gown in the name of cleanliness? He looked down, trying to see if it was still the same one he went to sleep in. Same pattern. But what if it wasn’t? They all had the same splashes of color and vague shapes. He should have paid more attention yesterday. 

Aaron untied the back of the gown and slipped it off, letting it pool around his ankles. He took off the hospital socks next. They differed from regular socks because of the little rubber x’s all over the bottom, protecting fall risks from slipping. Slipping on these always mopped, polished floors. God, now that he was thinking about it, he swore he could smell the bleach. He pulled his boxers down and turned the shower on, letting it heat up before stepping in. When he looked at the handle, his fingerprints were there.

.

.

Although he hadn’t been sure what to expect, Aaron had not anticipated being strapped down in the ambulance. He didn’t know how he thought he’d be positioned but he’d assumed it would retain a semblance of dignity. There was no dignity in being strapped to a gurney only tilted slightly up so he was neither laying down nor sitting up.

Two people had loaded him into the ambulance. The one woman sat in the front, talking over her radio to the other drivers. Aaron tried to listen in to the calls and conversations that were coming in but he couldn’t seem to make any sense of it. The other woman, younger than the driver, sat in the back with him on a small ledge. The back of an ambulance is much smaller than you think it’s going to be. He realized this when her knee hit the gurney’s rails after every bump in the road. After a couple of awkward minutes, she finally spoke.

“So you’re on your way to Willow View, huh?” she asked, fiddling with her ponytail.

“Yeah.”

“Have you ever been there before?”

“Nope. I actually, uh, haven’t ever been inpatient anywhere.”

“Nervous?” She gave a sympathetic smile.

“A little bit,” he admitted.

“Well, my uncle’s bipolar and he went there a couple years ago. It really helped him out. He was at a super low point. Like, talking about killing himself and stuff. He didn’t want to go at first and we kinda had to force him. I felt bad about it at the time, but he actually thanked us afterwards. Said it was what he needed even though he couldn’t see it. Plus he was only there for like...eight days, I think? It was enough time to get his meds straightened out, which was the most important thing. So even though it’s scary at first, you’ll get into the swing of things pretty quickly. It’s all just routine.”

Aaron felt the ambulance make a turn and he saw the road through the back window.

“We’re here!” She smiled. Once the ambulance came to a stop she stood, ducking her head so she didn’t hit the roof. Aaron couldn’t see what she was doing, but the gurney was able to slide again. She must have undone a lock or something that was holding it in place. The driver came around the back and opened the doors. Together, they slid him down a ramp. Now that he was outside again he could see the sun setting. It was breezy and he silently thanked himself for having the foresight to put on a sweater before leaving the hospital.

The older lady undid the straps and he sat up, squinting in the light.

“Are you good to walk?” she asked. Aaron nodded in response and climbed down, feet hitting the pavement. A painful jolt shot up his leg from the contact and he winced.

“Are you okay?” the driver asked, concerned.

“Yeah no, I’m fine. It’s just that pain that happens when you step the wrong way.”

She nodded and loaded the gurney back in the truck before slamming the doors shut. Walking around to the front, she climbed into the driver’s seat. The younger woman took a step towards him.

“So that lady over there,” she pointed to a woman in front of the doors, “will walk you in and get you set up, okay?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

She walked back over to the ambulance and opened the door to the passenger side.

“It was really nice meeting you!” She beamed.

“You too.”

“I hope you feel better soon,” she said, giving a softer smile as she climbed in. Aaron could tell she meant it.

“Thank you,” he replied, looking down at the ground.

“Aaron?”

He froze. _He hadn’t told her his name. He hadn’t told her his name. He hadn’t told her his name._

His head shot up and he looked towards the ambulance that was pulling away. How did she-

“Um, Aaron?”

He turned and looked towards the doors, where the woman who had been standing there before was waving.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I- I thought you were- I thought she-” He pointed in the direction the ambulance had gone.

“It’s fine!” she said, looking a little confused. “I’m Cathy.” She extended her hand and Aaron shook it.

“Aaron. Uh, Wysocki. Aaron Wysocki.”

“Great to meet you, Aaron. So I’m gonna get you through intake, we’ll do some paperwork, and then I’ll take you down to the unit! So if you’ll just follow me, administration is right through here.”

Aaron nodded and followed her through the sliding doors.

.

.

“Alright, so this is the Aspen Unit. The Elm Unit,” Cathy pointed to the left, “is right over there. Aspen is the male unit and Elm is the female. At night they’re locked but you guys will have all your groups and meals together. It’s just to make sure there isn’t anything inappropriate going on.”

She led him into the unit further. Wooden doors with windows lined the walls, tables in the middle. There was an old TV on a wheel cart in front of some mismatched couches. Aaron noticed a large stain on an orange chair. He decided he wouldn’t be sitting in that one. A counter was placed in the middle of the room with a sink and phone. It seemed like an odd placement for such a thing. He noticed it was slightly off-center as well. He felt his body tensing with frustration, so he looked down and tried to ignore it. Overall the space was extraordinarily ugly, but he supposed pleasant decor was not inherently conducive to healing. 

No one was in the space except for a woman sat at one of the tables. A keycard dangled from her neck. Her hair was long and split into many bright red braids. She wore a grey cardigan with a spotted blouse, her lanyard a similar shade to her hair. Boring clothing, but maybe that was required. She was shuffling through papers, glasses next to her. Cathy walked up to her, Aaron following behind.

“Aaron, this is Emma,” Cathy said. “She’s one of our aides. She’s gonna get you set up here on the unit!”

“Nice to meet you, Aaron.” Emma smiled, putting her hand out. Aaron shook it gently. He noticed her nails, long and a sparkly blue. A flower was painted on her index finger.

“Nice to meet you too.”

“Well, this is where I’ll be leaving you. I’m in the administration building so we probably won’t be seeing each other again, but if you have any questions you can ask the aides! It was wonderful meeting you, Aaron.” Cathy gave a bright smile before turning to leave. _A bright, fake smile._

“Alright, so first let’s get your belongings checked in,” Emma said, standing up. Her keys jingled together. She unlocked one of the wooden doors and led him into a small room, barely bigger than a closet. It had a refrigerator and dozens of shelves, all filled to the brim.

“Can I see your bag?”

“Yeah, of course,” Aaron muttered, handing the black duffel over to her. She unzipped it and began rummaging through it, grabbing a clipboard off the shelf.

“So we have one blue body wash.” She marked something down on the clipboard. “Aaaand one grey shampoo.” She wrote that down as well before placing the items in a small black bin with a number marked on it.

“When you wanna use one of these, just let us know. We keep this room locked and have to dispense it ourselves. Y’know, just to make sure no one tries to drink it or anything. People get creative in here,” she chuckled.

“Alright, now let me see here… Oh, okay, yeah.” She took a hoodie out of the bag. “Unfortunately, if you wanna wear this we need to take the string out.”

“But…”

“If you don’t wanna take them out that’s fine, but we’re gonna have to keep it in here and you won’t be able to have it until you leave.”

Aaron let out an exasperated sigh. It was his favorite hoodie and he really didn’t want to fuck it up. Then again, it was a comfort item, like a stuffed animal or a blanket for a kid. He’d feel weird(_er than he already did_) without it.

“You can take it out.”

“Alright,” she said, pulling the string out. Aaron winced as she dropped it in the trash.

“I’m gonna need your shoes too.”

He was much more willing to give those up. Reaching down, he untied them before slipping them off. He handed them to her and she put them in another black bin on a different shelf. Emma grabbed a roll of masking tape and ripped off a piece, sticking it on the bin. She pulled a marker out of her pocket and scribbled _Aaron_ on the tape.

“Did you bring any shoes without laces?”

Aaron shook his head and gave an apologetic half-smile.

“That’s not a problem! You can either wear some socks or I can find you some slippers from storage. We keep spares of everything around here.”

Aaron physically shuddered at the thought of wearing slippers that had touched someone else’s feet.

“I’m cool with socks.”

After searching all the pockets of his bag, she handed it back to him. “Everything else in there is fine.” She grabbed a small paper bag off of a shelf and stuck it in the bag. “This has a toothbrush and toothpaste you can keep in your room. Now we just need to do an exam of your body and then you’ll be good to go!”

What the fuck did an exam of his body entail? Were they gonna touch him? They could _not_ touch him. Who knew what kind of shit they might stick on him? They could mic him, chip him, monitor him, and he might not even know. Aaron bit his lip and began bouncing his leg as Emma pulled out her walkie talkie.

“Hey, I’m gonna need two guys to come down for a physical exam.”

A man’s voice came through, staticky. “_I’ll be over with James in a minute_.”

“Okay, thank you!” She hooked the walkie talkie back onto her pants. “Micah and James will be over in a minute, so let’s head over to the room and wait.”

Emma led him out of the room and down a few doors to a different one. They stood in front of it awkwardly.

“So,” Aaron said, clearing his throat, “where is everybody?”

“Well, it is-” she paused, looking at her watch, “8:36, so it’s quiet time right now. Everyone goes in their room and journals or draws or whatever they want. Lights out is at 9, quiet time starts at 8:15. Just so everyone can wind down before bed.”

Aaron gave an understanding mutter as two men walked up. One was tall with long brown hair while the other was short with blonde hair.

“I’m Micah,” said the blonde, “and this is James.” The brunette, James, waved. “We’re both aides on this unit. Now if you’ll follow me,” Micah said as he unlocked the door, “we’ll do your exam.”

Aaron walked in behind them. The room was all white and looked like a hospital room minus the bed. There was a partition near the wall and a counter with cabinets on the opposite side. It smelled like disinfectant. He suppressed a gag as he set his bag down next to him.

“So basically what we’re gonna do here is catalogue any wounds or scars so we know what’s already there. It’s just to make sure you don’t get any new ones while you’re here,” James said as Micah took a clipboard from the counter. “Now this is gonna sound pretty weird but I need you to strip. Like, fully.”

Aaron’s eyes went wide. “Are- are you gonna touch me?”

“No! Oh wow, no. Absolutely not,” James laughed. “We’re just gonna look and write down what we see.”

“Uh… Okay, yeah, sure.” Aaron took off his sweater first, then the shirt underneath. He slipped his jeans down and pulled his socks off with them. Hesitating for a moment, he slid his boxers down too. He felt more exposed than he ever had in his life with these two men staring at his naked body.

“Alright, so we have a pretty fresh burn on the left wrist, about the size of a quarter.” Aaron heard Micah scribbling on the paper. “A scar on the right bicep, about three inches long. Bruise, nickel sized, on the right knee. And on the face, we have a-” James paused, “cut? I think? Above the left eye, extending over the eyebrow. Bruising around it, kinda swollen but not, like, infected or anything.” Micah looked up, studying the wound before jotting it down. Aaron looked down, trying to take the attention off of his face. There was a crack in the tile beneath his feet. He shuffled, getting his feet away from it.

“Okay, that’s everything.” James nodded toward Micah, who put the clipboard back on the counter. “You can get dressed again.”

Aaron nodded and redressed quickly, eager to exit the room. He didn’t know how he’d ever be able to look these guys in the eye again. Distantly, he wondered if they ever laughed behind the patient’s backs about their bodies. After all, they’d seen every last inch of him. He sucked his stomach in on instinct, insecurities rising to the surface. They were definitely gonna laugh about him. Rage boiled up inside of him, angry at them for something they hadn’t even done (_yet_.) At least he knew his dick wasn’t laughable. Then again, maybe it was. Maybe these dudes had huge penises and he was tiny compared to them. Maybe he had the smallest dick here and now these two knew it. _Fuck_, he needed out of here.

James opened the door for him and led him forward. Micah stayed behind, turning off the lights and locking it back up. A man stood by the counter in the middle of the room, filling up a styrofoam cup with water. He looked older than Aaron but probably only by a few years. He was wearing a grey sweatshirt with grey sweatpants. The colors didn’t quite match. Aaron noticed this and his skin began to crawl at the inconsistency. The man’s hair was dark brown and cut quite short. His face was shaved. _Are you allowed to shave here? Aren’t razors a hazard?_ When he looked up, Aaron noticed that his eyes were the same color as his hair. His eyes were strange; they were absolutely _piercing_. An image of Charles Manson popped up in his head but he couldn’t place why.

“Josef, dude, we’ve talked about this. No leaving your room during quiet time,” James spoke. The man- _Josef, Josef, Josef_\- gave an apologetic smile. He held his hands up in innocence, though one was just with a pinky out because of the cup he was clasping. As he turned around to go back into his room, he gave Aaron a smile. Opening the door, he walked in and disappeared. He had weird vibes. Aaron wondered if everyone in here would.

“Okay, so you’re gonna be in this room right here, number 12. No one else is allowed in, just so you know.” The other man turned the lights on for him. “If you need anything or have any questions, just let me know! Lights out is in a few minutes.” With that, James departed.

The room was simple. Carpeted, the same as the main area. There was a twin bed, freshly made with white sheets and a beige blanket. Against the wall, there was an empty desk with a chair. There was a dry erase board hanging next to the door but no markers. In the corner by the ceiling there was a reflective metal disk. When you looked at it, you could see into the bathroom around the corner. It felt like a strange invasion of privacy but it was better than a camera. Aaron walked forward and set his bag on the desk before turning around.

The bathroom was tiny, but it came with a toilet, sink, and corner shower. There wasn’t a door, but there was a curtain separating it from the bedroom. He stepped forward and looked at the mirror over the sink. Rapping his knuckles against it, he found it was metal. Unbreakable, so no one could crack it and hurt themselves with a shard. It was strange to be in a place so intensely designed to be safe. Nothing like the real world.

He walked back over to the desk and took out the little paper bag Emma had given him. It contained a mini toothbrush and travel-sized generic toothpaste. Then he went to the sink and brushed his teeth, ready to go to bed. It had been a long, long day and his head was starting to hurt. The space behind his left eye throbbed and he realized how fucking _pristine_ this room was. It didn’t smell like antiseptic but it was fucking weird nonetheless. Weird bothered him immensely.

In a fit, he ran the water as high as he could and took some in his hands before splashing it all over the floor. Then he cupped his hands and gathered more and more and _more_ until the tile was thoroughly soaked. Stomping over to the bed, he grabbed the blanket and tangled it up before throwing it on the floor. He untucked the sheets in a fury, trying to rip them up and failing. Finally, he went over to his bag and turned it upside down. The contents of it spilled everywhere. Clothes, books, crayons- everything scattered and some fell to the floor.

Aaron realized his heart was racing as he came to again. The room was now a complete mess. He sighed and put his head in his hands, rubbing his eyes. The left one stung like hell. Picking up the blanket, he tossed it back onto the bed. He thought of the weird guy who had smiled at him out there. Wondered why he was in here, what he’d done to get to this point.

To be honest, Aaron wasn’t even sure how he’d gotten to this point. He understood the suicide watch at the hospital all of a sudden because right now, he truly wished he was dead. Fuck this shit.

He walked over the door and turned the lights off before returning to his new bed. He fished his rosary out of the pile on his desk. It was plastic and small; small enough that he wouldn’t be able to choke himself with it. He guessed that was why he’d been allowed to keep it. 

Getting down on his knees, he clasped his hands together and did his prayers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading chapter one! this is my first time writing a multi-chapter fic so i have no idea how often i'm going to update. however, i'm determined to keep adding to it and finish! right now i'm thinking it's going to be five chapters, but that could change! anyways, kudos is always much appreciated and comments will make me cry. again, thank you so much for reading!


	2. st. john leonardi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which sara has an excellent weirdo radar and aaron is blinded by kindness. (tw for a very vague, brief mention of eating disorders.)

_ **st. john leonardi: patron saint of pharmacists.** _

Aaron awoke to knocking on his door. Three in a row, quick. _Knock, knock, knock_. 

“Breakfast!”

He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Light seeped in through the window in his door but the rest of the room was dark. Pushing the blanket off, he stood and stretched. He walked over to the desk and put his glasses on before pulling on some sweatpants.

When he opened the door, he saw a few other people meandering their way down the hall. The big doors at the end that had been locked last night were now open. They must have been the ones separating the Aspen and Elm units. A woman came up to him.

“You must be Aaron!” She smiled. Her hair was short and dark and she wore glasses similar to his own. A blue lanyard swung from her neck.

“That’s me,” he said, nodding.

“I’m McKenna. I’m one of the Aspen aides today.”

“Nice to meet you, McKenna.”

“Alright, so let me show you where the breakfast hall is,” she spoke, leading him through the doors. They went through another set of open doors which led into a room with about ten round tables. There were carts with servers in gloves and plastic caps putting food on trays. The room smelled like cinnamon. At the front, there was a whiteboard with names written on it.

“So this is where you’ll have your meals and start your day. On the board there we have the groups everyone is split into for the day. Kelly will explain that more in-depth after breakfast; she’s the adult unit leader. Those two over there,” she pointed to two nurses on the side of the room, “will call you up for meds and do a vital check. You can go ahead and get in the food line. I’m gonna head back over to Aspen but if you have any questions, you can ask the nurses or Colton. He’s the guy in red over there with the lanyard.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“No problem!”

Now alone, Aaron felt strange. There were about 10 other patients in the room with more coming every thirty seconds or so. _Thirty. Three tens. Ten, ten, ten._

Across the room, Aaron saw a girl with purple hair. She walked out of the food line and went up to a nurse, showing him her tray. He marked something down on the clipboard before smiling. The girl walked away and sat down at a table, sighing. He took his place in line. Two people stood in front of him, making the third. _One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three._ After a few seconds, he made it to the first server.  
“Oatmeal?”

“Uh, yes. Please.”

The server scooped some into a small foam bowl.

“Brown sugar?”

Aaron nodded. “And raisins, please.”

She added the toppings. “Here you go!”

“Thank you,” he said, stepping over to the next server. She had a cooler at her station.

“Would you like any milk or juice?”

“Orange juice, please.”

The server set it on his tray and handed it to him, smiling. He turned around and surveyed the room. God, it felt like high school again. Every table had at least one person at it, meaning solitude wasn’t an option. The girl with the purple hair looked up and met his eyes. She gave a knowing smile and gestured him over. He sighed in relief and walked over, glad to have been invited instead of facing a potentially awkward situation. He set his tray down and sat across from her.

“It’s your first day, right?” She ate a scoop of oatmeal.

“Yeah, it is. I’m, uh, Aaron.”

“Sara. Nice to meet you.”

He held a hand out but she just stared.

“We can’t touch each other here. Unless you enjoy solitary.”

“Solitary? Like solitary confinement?”

“No! No,” she laughed. “Not like the prison kind. You just can’t talk to anyone or go to groups. It _sucks_.”

“You were on it?”

“Last time I was here I flipped off my psych and he got pissed, so they put me on it for four days. It doesn’t seem that bad until everyone gets to paint in art therapy and you’re stuck fucking journaling.” She laughed. Aaron chuckled and took a drink from his juice.

“So you’ve been here before?”

“Oh yeah. This is my,” she looked up and thought for a moment, counting on her fingers, “fifth time since I moved here. I’m a real regular.”

“This is my first time. Like, ever.”

“It’s really not that bad. And it genuinely does help. For a couple weeks, at least.”

Aaron took a bite from his oatmeal and looked back towards the doors. The guy from yesterday- _Josef, Josef, Josef_\- walked in, wearing the same thing he’d had on last night. Sara noticed him staring.

“Do you know him?” she asked.

“No, I just saw him last night,” Aaron said, still looking. Josef was oblivious, getting in the breakfast line and smiling at the servers. “He gave me this weird smile when he saw me. It was just...strange.”

“That’s Josef for you. He’s fucking strange.” She sipped her milk and leaned in closer to Aaron. “He’s been here for thirty days.”

_Thirty, three tens. Ten, ten, ten._

“Is that a long time?”

“They say we’re supposed to be here two weeks max. I mean, obviously they’ll keep you longer if they need to, but beyond three weeks usually means you don’t want to leave. If you keep hurting yourself or whatever, they can’t legally release you.”

“But that must mean shit for him outside of here is pretty rough.”

“I guess. Or he likes the attention.” She stood and walked over to the nurse she’d shown her tray to initially. He wrote more notes before nodding. Sara dumped the contents of her tray into the trash and set it on top of the bin. She took her seat at the table again.

“Should I have shown him my tray before I started too?” Aaron asked.

“No, that’s just for certain people’s treatment. People who have, uh, problems with eating.”

Aaron nodded, not pressing further. “So what else do you know about Josef?”

“He’s just weird. Like, for example, in group he will _always_ have shit to say about other people’s stories, but pretty much never talks about himself. And in art therapy, everything he makes always has to do with wolves. Specifically, _a_ wolf. He calls it fucking...Peach something. I don’t remember. I’ve honestly never really talked to him. Aside from in group when he had a shit ton of advice for me and I had to nod and be polite. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judgey or anything like that. I mean, it sounds like I am right now, but I swear I’m not. He just freaks me out a little. Like, look at him right now.” Aaron glanced to where Sara was pointing. Josef didn’t seem to notice. “He’s not even sitting to eat. He’s just standing in the corner. It’s _weird_.”

“Aaron?”

He looked over Sara’s shoulder and saw a nurse glancing around expectantly.

“You’re up.” Sara smiled. Aaron stood and went over to the nurse. She gestured for him to step on the scale. After a moment a number appeared on the screen.

“102.6 kg. Got it. Now if you’d sit here,” she gestured to a chair, “I’ll just get your blood pressure.”

He sat down and she wrapped a cuff around his arm. It filled up before draining bit by bit. After six pulses, it went slack. _Six. Two threes. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three._

“Perfect! That’s all I needed.”

Aaron smiled politely before sitting back down with Sara. He took a swig of juice as a lady walked to the front, standing by the whiteboard. She cleared her throat and the room went silent. This must be the unit leader he’d been told about earlier. What was her name again? Kathy? Katy? Kelly? Something like that.

“Okay everyone, here are today’s groups. Group A is gonna start with art therapy, then group, then split hour. B is gonna start with group, then split hour, then art. C is gonna start with split hour, then art, then group. Make sure if you haven’t already that you grab a goal sheet from up here and fill it out. We’re gonna get started in about five minutes.” With that, she stood to the side and the chatter resumed.

“What’s split hour?” Aaron asked.

“It depends on your plan. Like, for example, during my split hour I go to DBT with a few other people. Everyone else gets to journal or draw or whatever else they want as long as it’s, y’know, therapeutic. If you aren’t in DBT that’s usually when your case manager and psych will visit you and shit.” She paused for a moment before turning back to him, voice lowered. “Also, not to freak you out or anything, but Josef’s staring at you. Oh God, and you’re both in group A. Prepare for more staring, I guess.” Sara stood. “I need to get a goal sheet. Want me to grab you one too?” Aaron nodded.

When she returned, she had two sheets of paper and two mini pencils.

“So for these, we just write our goals for the day and stuff. It’s pretty basic.”

“What if we don’t have a goal for the day?”

“Make something up, I guess. I usually just put something about eating meals or controlling my emotions or whatever. Anything _attainable_, as they say.”

Aaron looked down at the paper, pencil in hand. He sat in thought for a minute before settling on something to write.

_Keep an open mind._

.

.

Sara hadn’t been lying about Josef’s obsession with that wolf. In art therapy, they’d been tasked with creating a representation of their biggest issue. Aaron had (to the best of his abilities) drawn a silhouette of a person surrounded by words on top of other words, making all of them unreadable. It had seemed like a cool way to describe his psychosis but it had just ended up kind of...grey.

Josef, on the other hand, had drawn a startlingly detailed wolf’s face, but it was more stylized than realistic. Its eyes were black scribbles on top of red, jaw unhinged and long with hundreds of little red triangles. He’d called it Peachfuzz and, when pressed to explain, said it represented all of his bad thoughts. He hadn’t gone further into detail than that; he’d just smiled proudly and sat back down. Everyone else looked bored; Sara must not have been exaggerating how frequently he drew this character, either.

Aaron was honestly impressed at Josef’s drawing despite everyone else’s lack of enthusiasm. It was beautiful, in a strange way. He had talent. Plus, how creative was it to use a vicious animal to represent your internal struggle? (Aaron’s answer: _very, very, very_.) He silently wished he’d thought of something like that. Not that he’d have the skill to execute it, though; certainly not like Josef had.

Now Aaron was sitting in a big green chair in the group therapy room. The walls all had chairs of different types against them, forming a circle of sorts. Josef sat almost perfectly opposite him but was looking at anyone but him. Aaron wondered if his choice in seat had been intentional. A man with a lanyard sat in a red chair near the door, clipboard in hand. He cleared his throat and everyone looked toward him.

“Alright everyone, so as most of you know I’m Javon and I’m gonna be leading group today. Before we start, I kinda wanna gauge the room and get you guys’ feedback on what you wanna do today. So, uh, we can either do a worksheet and talk about it after or just kinda talk and see where the conversation leads. Does anyone have a preference?”

Josef immediately raised his hand. Javon turned towards him. “Yes, Josef?”

“I’d like to talk.” A few people muttered under their breath but Josef was unperturbed.

“Okay then! Sounds good. Uh, Aaron,” Aaron’s head shot up and he looked at Javon, “would you like to start since it’s your first day? You can say no if you aren’t comfortable yet, but I’m sure everyone would like to get to know you a little bit more and hear about why you’re here.”

Judging from the faces around the room, Javon’s assumption seemed incorrect. However, when Aaron looked ahead, he saw Josef staring. He was resting his chin on his hand, eyes wide with interest. Aaron swallowed hard before starting.

“Uh, no, I’m- I’m cool with sharing. So, um, I’m Aaron. It’s my first time ever being, y’know, inpatient. I’m here because of my, um, psychosis. My roommate came home and he saw me, like… burning myself and stuff. He said that when he asked me about it, I said it was to save my dad from Hell or something like that. I was raised Catholic, so it’s, like, a pretty big deal for me, I guess. And yeah, that’s about it.”

“Are you still Catholic?” Josef asked, genuinely interested. Aaron cleared his throat.

“I’m still Christian, I guess. Maybe Catholic. I don’t know, I guess I just have...doubts? Like, the stories don’t really add up. And I don’t know if I believe in Hell, but I definitely don’t think that you go there just for not being Christian or being gay or whatever. And… I’ve never told anyone this before, but I wonder a lot, like, if there is a God, why’d He do this to me? What was the reason?”

Josef sat up straighter in his chair to give his response. “I’m not personally religious, which means I’m not really an expert here so feel free to correct me, but I think of it differently than that. I don’t really think if there is a God that He _gave_ you your whole psychosis thing. I feel like it was probably something that just ended up happening and you’re not any less His child because of it or anything like that. He still loves you and cares for you; you’re just gonna have to work a little harder than everyone else. But that could be a good thing! For character building and stuff. Plus there’s that old adage, _”The Lord works in mysterious ways.”_ Maybe there’s some reason and you just haven’t seen yet. In time though, I think it’ll be a strength. Like, going through something no one else around you has gives you a different perspective. At least that’s how I think of it. I don’t know, I’m just talking now. Hopefully that made sense,” he said, laughing.

No one else in the room seemed to be paying attention, but Aaron smiled wide. “That makes perfect sense, actually. Thank you.”

“No problem,” Josef said, smiling back.

Javon broke the moment between them. “Thank you, Josef. That was very insightful. And thank you, Aaron, for sharing. Does anyone else have something to say on that topic?” An older man raised his hand. “Yes, Michael?”

This led to a long-winded story about Michael’s Christian grandmother, which led into a separate story detailing how his uncle had abused him. Josef watched Michael intently and gave input where appropriate, but would meet Aaron’s eyes and give a half-smile every once in a while. Aaron felt, for the first time in a while, understood.

.

“It’s great to meet you, Aaron. How do you pronounce your last name, by the way? I’ve been wondering.”

Aaron cleared his throat. “Uh, it’s like vah-sots-key. Wysocki. It’s kind of a weird one, I know,” he chuckled.

“Wysocki! Okay, awesome. Well I’m Dr. Okonkwo! I’m gonna be your psychiatrist while you’re here. I know you’ve probably told this story a hundred times by now, but I’d love it if you could walk me through what led to you being admitted.”

“Well, my roommate came home and found me in the bathroom and I had a lighter to my wrist. I don’t really remember it but he said I did it to save my dad from Hell,” he paused, “which doesn’t make any sense because my dad passed away a few years ago. I don’t know, I just get into these, like, episodes, I guess. I think I need my Seroquel upped or something. It just started happening again recently.”

Dr. Okonkwo was writing on her notepad as he spoke. After a moment, she looked up. 

“Thank you for mentioning that! It’s really good that you’re aware enough to recognize this is mental illness and medication can help. A lot of people with schizophrenia get to a point where they think they don’t need their medication anymore because they’re stable and go into a downward spiral. It’s reassuring that you’re able to look at it in that way.” She smiled before gesturing at his face with her pen. “And what’s the story behind that cut?”

Aaron looked down, suddenly very aware of his face. The space behind his eye pulsed three times. _Three times. Three, three, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three._ “Oh, uh...That was just an accident. I slipped in the bathroom and hit my head on the counter a couple days before I came in.”

“Okay,” she said, her voice unsure. “Well I’m gonna up to you to 500mg of Seroquel over your stay here. We’ll do an extra 50mg each night, so tonight you’ll take 350 and so on and so forth. Does that sound good?”

“Yeah! Absolutely. That’s fine with me.”

“Okay! Well it was great to meet you. I’ll talk to you some more tomorrow to check in on you and talk a little more about how things are going, okay?”

“Sure, yeah. It was nice meeting you too.”

She opened the door and he walked out ahead of her. The doctor turned and locked it before waving goodbye. Aaron smiled and turned back towards the tables where everyone was sat journaling. He surveyed the tables, none of them completely empty, trying to decide where to sit. Sara was in group, so she wasn’t an option either. 

Aaron took a deep breath before walking over to Josef’s table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!! i'm sorry this took so long to publish. i wrote half of it in one session, was without any inspiration for a while, and then had family visiting for thanksgiving so it's been a long time coming! hopefully it won't take this long in the future; i've already begun some work on chapter three! anyways, i hope you enjoy and that you're having a wonderful week <3


	3. st. john of damascus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which sara shares a story and aaron receives a gift. (tw for mentions of abuse/trauma and suicide.)

_ **st. john of damascus: patron saint of those who make images of the crucifix.** _

“Oh, hey Aaron!”

Aaron gave an awkward smile as he set his papers on the table and sat down across from Joseph. The older man had a notebook open in front of him full of scribbled words and doodles. Aaron couldn’t make anything out.

“Hey.”

“So, how are you doing? Is your first day going okay?”

“Yeah! Um, everyone’s been really nice so far.”

“I’m glad,” Josef said, smiling. “My first day was pretty rough so I just wanted to make sure.”

“What happened?”

“Oh, it’s a long story. You don’t want to hear it,” he said, waving a hand dismissively.

“No, I- I do. Seriously.”

Josef’s smile grew wider. “You know, you’re a great guy.” Aaron looked down, hoping he wasn’t blushing. “No one else here will give me the time of day, but you… You’re different. In a good way.”

“It’s nothing, man. I just think people are kinda judgey sometimes and don’t really… I don’t know, care? Like, they’re really wrapped up in themselves. I guess that’s probably normal here.”

“If I had a beer we’d cheers to that,” Josef laughed. Aaron smiled and chuckled a little.

“So, my long, boring story,” Josef said, sitting up straighter. “My sister died a few days before I came in. She had cancer. It was some sort of inoperable brain tumor. She’d been on chemo for months but it just wasn’t enough. We were really close, so I kinda went into a tailspin. Two days after she died I tried to hang myself. I was at my parents’ house in her old room, sorting through her stuff. It all just became too much. Like, at that moment, it became real. So I put on my suit I had packed for the funeral, got a rope, and tied a noose in my closet. My dad found me before I got too far, but my face was all purple and I had a huge bruise on my neck. It was a mess.”

“God, that’s awful.”

“It gets worse. My first day in the hospital was my sister’s funeral. I couldn’t go, and it just destroyed me. I felt so guilty, like I was betraying her. I know she wouldn’t have been mad, but I was mad at myself anyways. So the next morning, they bring me here. My mom calls me at 1 p.m. I’ve heard her cry maybe four times in my entire life, so when I pick up and she’s sniffling, I know something’s wrong. She tells me my dad overdosed while she was taking a bath. I swear, I thought I was gonna die right then and there.”

“Fucking Christ,” Aaron whispered before clearing the lump from his throat. “I- Are you okay? Like now?”

“I’m doing better. There’s good days and bad days. I guess that’s why I’ve been here so long. Today is my,” he paused to count on his fingers, “thirtieth day.”

_Thirty. Three tens. Ten, ten, ten._

“I just…” Josef started before pausing, trying to think of what to say next. “I guess I don’t feel ready to go back to the real world yet. It’s easy in here. Out there…I just don’t know. It’ll happen. I know it will. I just don’t know when.”

“I, um, I lost my dad to cancer a couple years ago. I was really close with him too. It felt like my whole life was over. I was in college at the time, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was only a couple credit hours from my Bachelor’s, which doesn’t seem like a lot looking back, but losing someone you love just… It makes everything feel impossible, y’know? I mean, obviously I wasn’t in your exact situation, but I know things will get better for you. You’re gonna kick the real world’s ass when you get back out there, man.”

Josef laughed and looked him in the eyes. Aaron thought of Charles Manson again but quickly pushed away the thought.

“I swear, Aaron, you’re better than my actual therapist.”

Aaron was definitely blushing this time as he looked to the side and smiled. People were starting to pour back into the main room, back from their therapies. Sara walked in and looked over at him, noticing he was with Josef. She gave a concerned look before turning away.

“Okay, everyone!” Kelly/Kathy/Katy/Whatsername said. “It’s time for quiet time so we can all decompress.”

Some people started walking back in the direction of their rooms immediately while others grabbed cups of water before leaving. Aaron and Josef stood at the same time.

“Oh! One more thing,” the older man said, flipping through his notebook. He came to a page with something stuck in it. “We’re not supposed to give each other stuff, so don’t tell anyone.” He pulled out a piece of paper folded to resemble a cross. “I didn’t know if you had anything religious that could be a nice little reminder to you, so I made this. Sorry if that’s weird.” He smiled. He handed it to Aaron discreetly.

Aaron looked down at it. The lines from the ruled paper aligned perfectly. For once, the space behind his eye didn’t ache looking at something so intricate.

“No, not at all,” Aaron muttered before looking at Josef. “It’s perfect.”

“I’m really happy to hear you say that, Aaron. I mean it.” With that, Josef turned and started walking to his room. The taller man waited a few seconds before going to his own.

.

Dinner was underwhelming, to say the least. On his tray, Aaron had chicken, mashed potatoes, what appeared to be canned vegetables, and a cookie. Sara sat across from him with the same thing. Just like at breakfast, Josef was standing in the corner instead of sitting. However, this time he made no attempts to hide that he was watching Aaron. Sara looked over at him and shuddered.

“I saw you guys talking earlier.”

“Yep,” Aaron said, taking a bite from the chicken. “God, this doesn’t taste like anything.”

“The food here’s shit,” she agreed. “Did he come up to you?”

“No, I uh- I actually sat by him. There weren’t any empty spots and he was really nice during group, so I figured why take a chance on a stranger?”

“You realize he is a stranger, right?”

“Well so are you! I’m still sitting here.”

“Dude, no, that’s not what I mean. I just- I don’t trust him. I’ve been here a week now. He’s never done this whole staring thing. It freaks me out.”

“I think he’s just kinda bad at social stuff. Plus, I’m the only person who’s talked to him. Maybe he just wants to be friends, okay?”

Sara sighed and looked down at the table. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad, I just really don’t think this is normal. Not you. Him.”

“I’m not mad, I just… I think you’re being harsh because he’s a little weird.”

“That’s not it! Listen, I love weird. I love meeting weird people. I do it all the time. But he’s not just some harmless, strange dude. Like...Okay, not to dump a ton of personal info on you, but he reminds me of this dude I met a long time ago who ended being seriously fucked in the head. Like, he even looks like him. And again, not to overshare or anything, but that dude ended up hurting me. Fucking bad. Can’t you, like, see it in his eyes? I seriously think there’s something wrong with him.”

_His eyes. His eyes. His eyes._

“Well, like you said earlier, you’ve never really talked to him. He’s nice, Sara. He’s been through a lot of shit recently and he’s just struggling like everyone else here.”

“Fuck it, man. I’m not arguing about this.” Sara stood up from the table. “Maybe you’re right and I’m just fucking insane! But if he guts you in the middle of the night, don’t come crying to me.”

“I’m sorry, I just… Wait, how could I cry to you if I was dead?”

“Motherfucker…” She muttered as she walked over to the aide. He looked at her tray and wrote something down. Sara threw her trash away and then loudly asked if she could go to her room. He nodded and led her away. Aaron took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. When he opened them back up, Josef was sitting in front of him.

“Holy shit,” he breathed, jumping in his seat. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” Josef said, giving him a weird smile. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Yeah, no, um- it’s cool. I’m just jumpy, I guess.”

“So what was that all about?”

“Nothing. I mean, not _nothing_. I made her mad, I guess. I didn’t mean to.”

Josef nodded knowingly. “Sara’s like that sometimes. She’s got a short fuse.”

“Does she do that a lot?”

“I wouldn’t say a _lot_. She just doesn’t tolerate bullshit. Or anything she perceives to be bullshit. She really is great, though. Just has a lot of baggage. I think I met her once outside of here. She’s familiar. Maybe it was at her job or something.”

Aaron nodded and took a bite of his food.

“So,” Josef said, crossing his arms on the table, “I know you mentioned your dad passed away. Do you have any other family? A girlfriend? Or a boyfriend! Boyfriend’s cool. Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume.”

“Um, kinda, yeah. I mean, my mom’s still around; I just don’t see her much. She lives a couple hours away so I don’t visit a ton. I have a couple aunts too who live up by her but I’m not really close with them. I just live with my roommate. And um, I was dating someone. We broke up a few months ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“No, it’s okay. It was mutual, I guess. Neither of us were really happy. Like, I knew they weren’t really right for me and I wasn’t right for them. It wasn’t really…heartbreaking, y’know? God, that sounds terrible.”

“I know what you mean. Sometimes, it’s been a long time coming and it just needs to end. But hey! Aaron, look, you’re a handsome guy. You’ll meet someone perfect for you someday. Who knows, maybe you already have and you just don’t know it.” Josef smiled.

_Maybe I already have. Maybe I already have. Maybe I already have._

Aaron cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. “So, uh, w-what about you? Are you with anyone?”

Josef looked down, the smile gone from his face. “I’ve had kind of a bad run with that. Two years ago, my girlfriend died. Bad accident. It was awful. Then, about four months ago, my boyfriend died. He actually killed himself. Left a note and everything. Frankly, it hurt me more deeply than anything else ever has.”

“So you’ve lost your sister, dad, and boyfriend in the last few months?”

Josef pursed his lips together and nodded.

“Holy shit. I can’t even imagine. I- I’m sorry, man. That’s so much to deal with.”

“Yeah, it’s been tough. I try to look on the bright side, though. The power of positive thinking and all that. I know I can get through it. Besides, I believe in a higher power. Not a God or anything. Just that things happen for a reason.”

“I don’t think I’d be able to stay nearly as positive as you, man. Seriously. Props to you for that.”

“You’re wonderful, you know that? Truly.”

Aaron smiled and looked away, cheeks red. He laid his right arm on the table, resting his chin on his other hand. Josef reached towards him. “Can I look at your bracelet?”

The blonde man gave him a look of confusion before realizing he meant his plastic hospital band. He nodded and outstretched it towards Josef, who touched his wrist immediately to get a better look.

“Isn’t it, uh-”

“No one’s looking.” Josef grinned. “Don’t worry.” He looked at it for a few seconds before speaking. “Wysocki, huh? That’s Polish, right?”

“Yeah, it is. Also, uh, no one ever pronounces it correctly, so…good job. On that.”

“Doesn’t it mean tall, too? Like it’s a descriptor?”

“Yeah, actually! How do you know so much about it? Like, names I mean?”

“I like learning about different cultures and stuff. I just think people are really fantastic.”

“Man, that’s awesome. I, uh, I guess I like people. Usually. But I could never study them or anything like that.”

“Well, isn’t that what film is about? In a way?”

“I’ve always thought of it as more of a, like, storytelling thing. But I guess the stories you tell are usually about people.”

“Are you an introvert, Aaron?”

“Uh, y-yeah. Um, I guess.”

“I think,” Josef said, pausing to take a bite of his food, “that you need to open yourself up to people some more. Really bare your soul, you know? And don’t be scared if it’s weird or ugly or whatever. Just be real. Be honest.”

Aaron looked down at the table and thought for a moment. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

A woman in the center of the room cleared her throat to get everyone’s attention. “Alright guys, it’s time for visiting hour. We’re also gonna put on a movie, so feel free to join if you wanna.”

Josef stood up. “Well, that’s my cue.”

“Oh, are you gonna watch the movie?”

“Nah, I think Angela is visiting me today.”

“Who’s Angela? If, uh, you don’t mind me asking.”

“Oh! She’s my,” he paused and cleared his throat, “my cousin.”

“Okay, yeah. Cool, cool, cool.”

“Is anyone coming to see you?”

“No, I uh, I don’t think so.”

“I had a really great time, Aaron. Truly. I’m excited to talk to you more. You’re just...amazing.” With that, Josef picked up his tray and left. Aaron sat for a moment, trying to decide what to do next. He threw his things away and walked over to the couch, settling in for the movie.

.

10 minutes to quiet time before lights out, Sara emerged from her room. She looked around, making sure Josef was gone before sitting by Aaron on the couch.

“Hi,” she whispered, trying not to disturb the people watching the movie.

“Hey. I’m sorry about earlier. I really didn’t mean to, um, make you mad or anything.”

“Don’t worry about it. I make myself mad, honestly. It really wasn’t your fault.”

“Well regardless I’m gonna try to...not. Do that.”

“You’re right, by the way. I was being kinda unfair. He just reminds me so much of this guy. Like, his hair’s different and his name is different, but everything else is the same. And I have some serious fucking trauma related to that dude. I just can’t...see past it, if that makes sense.”

“No, I get that. I, uh, I freak out if I see a dude who reminds me of my uncle. He...kinda fucked me up when I was a kid. So I get where you’re coming from.”

“I’m glad I don’t sound ridiculous. I just worry. Like, I kinda attach to people too quickly. And you’re really nice and kinda the only person here who actually strikes me as a decent human being who’s worth...knowing, I guess. Like making an effort with. God, if I didn’t sound ridiculous before I definitely do know.”

“I wouldn’t say _ridiculous_. Like, I don’t have attachment issues, but you’re cool. I wanna be friends, y’know? And I don’t wanna hurt you or anything. Plus I know I’d be worried if you were around anyone who reminded me of my uncle. But I’d just have to reason that, like, that person isn’t him and is probably nothing like him.”

Sara swallowed hard. “No, I get that. Just...be careful, okay?”

“I will. Don’t worry.” Aaron looked over and smiled at her.

“Okay. Good.” She gave a weak smile back.

.

Aaron walked over to his door and flicked the lights on and off three times before leaving them off. The nurse had given him his upped Seroquel dose and it was _really_ starting to kick in. He walked into the bathroom and turned those lights on (and off and on and off and on and off and on.) His toothbrush was laying on the counter. He picked it up and squeezed some toothpaste on it before beginning to brush his teeth. 

When he had finished and shut the lights off, Aaron walked over to his bed and stood for a moment. He thought about what Sara had said about the man who hurt her. What had that guy done to her to make her so afraid of Josef? He had a pretty strong feeling that she didn’t scare easily. Whatever he had done… Aaron shuddered, pushing the imagined scenarios away. Besides, that man was long gone now. It was just a random, chance thing that Josef looked like him. Plus, she’d said their names were different. It was a strange coincidence, yeah, but Aaron had experienced weirder.

_Josef is a good man. Josef is a good man. Josef is a good man._

Aaron kneeled by the side of his bed. He grabbed the rosary off his desk and set in front of him, along with the paper cross the older man had given him. Clasping his hands together, he yawned before whispering his nightly prayers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading chapter three!! there's something i'd like to address really quick that's been on my mind in regards to sara: i've characterized her a little bit differently than in the movie. i know in the film she's pretty fearless and very open, but i've written her as somebody who has already been through some serious shit. it's a little bit like post-creep 2 sara without the actual canon progression of creep 2 if that makes sense?? god i love sara. she's pretty much the only reasonable person going in this tbh
> 
> anyways, rant over. thank you so much again! expect chapter four soon <3


	4. st. dymphna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which aaron gets some news and josef knows how to play his cards right. (BIG TWs HERE: talk of sexual assault, csa, incest, and grooming. also dissociation, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and general manipulation.)

_ **st. dymphna: patron saint of the mentally ill and traumatized.** _

“You have my number, right?”

“Yeah!” Aaron smiled. “Do you want me to carry that for you?”

“No, I got it. Thank you though.” Sara smiled. The two walked in silence to the locked door that led to the administration building and, ultimately, freedom. A staff member stood next to it and scanned his keycard, holding the door until Sara was ready. She paused in front of it and turned towards Aaron.

“I’d give you a hug if I could.”

“I know. It’s fine.”

“You got this. Be careful, okay?”

“I’ll be alright! Don’t worry about me. The real world beckons.”

“I kinda wish it didn’t.”

“You’re gonna do great, dude! I’ll see you on the outside, okay? Good luck.”

“Thank you, Aaron,” Sara said, smiling wide. She turned and the woman opened the door fully, gesturing her out. He waved out the window before she disappeared from his sight. He sighed and turned around, looking back at the main room.

It had been six days since he’d first come in. _Six. Two threes. One, two, three. One, two, three._ Two days earlier, an older woman named Mari had hung herself in the piano room during quiet time with sheets she’d managed to tear from the seams of her bed. She’d left a note in her room, but whatever she had written was blacked out with marker. The staff had sent it out to the police to see if they could decipher any of it but there wasn't any news yet.

He’d heard staff talking quietly about a lawsuit. Everyone who had been on duty that day had been put on temporary leave while they decided what to do about it. Worse yet, her wedding ring was missing. It had been a small gold band; simple and innocuous enough that they’d allowed her to keep it on during her stay. Despite searches of every room and person, it hadn’t turned up yet. They figured she’d hidden it or flushed it down the toilet.

After that day, he’d hardly spoken to Josef. He still showed up to groups but never said anything and chose to eat by himself whenever he could. Aaron had asked him a couple times if he was alright and had only gotten a simple “fine” in response. He figured it was best to just leave the other man alone and let him decide when he was ready to talk again.

Still, Aaron couldn’t help but worry that he’d done something wrong. After all, things had been going so well with the older man. Their conversations had given Aaron something nice to look forward to and he would have done just about anything to get that feeling back. Logically he knew the sudden silence had nothing to do with him, but that did little to quell his anxiety. 

He’d been praying on his paper cross for three nights now. Often, the prayers would begin in quite a standard way; please protect me, protect my family, help me heal, etc. Lately though, they’d always become pleads for Josef’s wellbeing. Every day began and ended with thoughts of Josef. Although his medication change was doing wonders for his psychosis, he felt crazier than when he’d begun.

Of course these thoughts had led to him wondering if there was something deeper to these feelings than a simple friendship. No one had ever drawn him in like Josef and certainly not in so little time. Men had never had much romantic appeal to Aaron, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t possible. It was just unusual. Then again, what wasn’t unusual when it came to Josef?

“Aaron?” The blonde was jostled out of thought by a man at the counter. He had a phone in his hand. “There’s a call for you here.”

He walked over and took the phone out of the man’s hand, giving a smile and nod as thanks. Holding the receiver up to his head, he cleared his throat before speaking.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Aaron.”

“Oh! Hey mom.” He heard her sniffling on the other end. “Woah, what’s wrong? I-is everything okay?”

“It’s your uncle,” she said through shuddery breaths. “Your Uncle Leon passed away.”

“Holy shit. Are you okay? Like, are you feeling safe and stuff? No thoughts of, um...”

“I’m fine, honey. Your Aunt Beth is here visiting. It’s just…” She took in a loud breath. “It’s a lot to deal with.”

“Do you know what happened?”

“He had a heart attack. Your Aunt found him in his chair when she got off of work.”

“God, that’s awful. I’m so sorry. I’m gonna be out first thing tomorrow so I’ll come over right away. We can, like, work on the funeral and stuff.”

“That would be wonderful, angel. I’m so glad you’re feeling better.”

“I am too.”

“Alright, well,” she sighed, “I ought to get going. Your Aunt and I are going through his things and I shouldn't leave her waiting. I can’t wait to see you, darling. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I miss you too, mom. I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. Buh-bye.”

“Bye.” With that, he put the phone back on its stand. He leaned on the counter for a moment before taking off his glasses and running a hand through his hair. After a few deep breaths, he put his glasses back on. As he stood there, his expression began morphing into a smile. Incredulous, he whispered to himself, “He’s dead. He’s finally fucking dead.”

“Who is?”

Aaron whipped around to see Josef standing next to him. The older man was holding an almost entirely eaten apple and chewing loudly.

“Fuck, you scared me.”

“Sorry man,” he said, smiling. Something in Josef’s eyes told Aaron he hadn’t meant that apology. “So, who?”

“Oh, um, just- just my uncle.”

“I take it you didn’t like him much?”

“No, we...didn’t really get along.”

“It sounds like it might be a little deeper than that.” Josef looked at him sympathetically. “Come on, sit with me. Let’s talk about it.”

“I-I don’t really wanna…”

“Listen. You have something you need to get off your chest. I am a _great_ listener.”

“I mean, yeah, no, I don’t doubt that. It’s just...hard to talk about.”

“All the most important things are, aren’t they?” Josef turned and walked to a nearby table, taking a seat. He patted the spot across from him and took another bite of his apple. Aaron hesitantly slid into the chair.

“You’re tense, man.”

“Well yeah, I mean, you’re kinda putting me in an awkward situation.”

“Hey, if you really don’t wanna talk about it, we don’t have to. I won’t bother you anymore. Promise.”

Aaron’s heart started racing at that. This was the first time he’d talked to Josef in days and now here he was, fucking it up. _Just like you always do. Just like you always do. Just like you always do._

“No, no, I-I’ll talk about it. You don’t have to leave.” _Translation: Please don’t leave me._

“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything.”

“No! I’m fine. I, um… God, I don’t know where to start.”

“Just, y’know, tell me about him. Who was he? What was he like?”

“His name was Leon. He was my mom’s brother. He wasn’t, like, mean or anything. Kinda the opposite. Everyone loved him.”

“But you didn’t?” Josef set the apple core down next to him before crossing his arms and leaning into the conversation.

“It’s not that. I, uh, I did love him. A lot. He always brought me presents and stuff. Like, every time he visited, there was candy or a new toy or a book. It was great.”

“So what happened?”

“When I was seven, he started hanging out with me a lot more. At first it was like, family day trips to the zoo or camping or stuff like that. Then, after a little while, it just became the two of us. He’d take me fishing, which I wasn’t really into, but he just gave me this, like, completely undivided attention. It was like he was doing something deeper than listening. I don’t know how to explain it. Then, one day, we went camping. It was all going really well. We were sharing a tent, and he came in and crawled up next to me. He thought I was sleeping, but I wasn’t. I-I was awake. I was so awake. And he...”

Josef blinked slowly and sighed, putting his head down. When he looked back up, his eyes seemed to drive holes into Aaron’s skull. “Did he hurt you, Aaron?”

The blonde was silent for a moment before tears began to well up. He pursed his lips and nodded, staring at the table and trying to will away the tears.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Josef looked around and made sure no one was looking before reaching his hand and placing it on Aaron’s arm. “You’re okay.”

Aaron sniffled and looked up. Josef had tears in his eyes too.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad too,” he said in a small, vulnerable voice.

“No, don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about me.” Josef’s hand lingered a moment longer before he pulled away. “I see why you were so happy about the news.”

Aaron took in a choked breath before clearing his throat. “I was happy, but now I just feel...guilty.”

“Guilty about his death or for what happened?”

“Both. I just feel stupid. My family is all so sad and I’m here fucking celebrating. I’m such an asshole, man.”

“No you aren’t! If they knew and are still sad about his death, they’re the problem.”

“That’s the thing, though. They… None of them ever found out.”

“You didn’t report him or tell anyone?” Josef said, incredulous.

“He always said they wouldn’t believe me. He was probably right.”

“_Always_? Is that to imply this wasn’t a one time thing?”

“No, it uh, it went on until I was 13.”

“Jesus Christ. What is that, six years? That’s insane.”

“I just… I never wanted to cause a problem. It was easier to just lay there and…”

“No, I know what you mean. Does anyone else know? At all?”

“I’ve told a few therapists but it’s not something I ever wanna bring up, you know? It’s- it’s painful.”

“So you’ve just been carrying this around your entire life.”

“Pretty much.”

“God, I’m so sorry you went through that. And I don’t mean that in general ‘oh that sucks’ way. I genuinely and from the bottom of my heart feel for you. I can’t even imagine.”

“Thank you,” Aaron said, clearly a little out of it.

“Hey, listen. You are strong and brave and smart and so, so kind. You’ve persevered through one of the hardest things a person can go through. That’s something to be proud of! You are the most incredible fucking person I have ever met, Aaron. Truly.”

Aaron began to cry again but they were clearly happy tears now. To his right, he saw a woman step out of a door holding a clipboard.

“Josef?” she said. The older man stood up.

“That’s my case manager. Guess it’s time for a check-in. You’ll be okay while I’m gone, right?”

Aaron nodded and Josef beamed. “See you soon.”

The blonde stood and walked into his room. He lay down on his bed and removed his glasses, pulling the blanket up. Although it was painful, he supposed he was glad he’d shared his feelings. He must have been, right? There were no more tears. That must mean something. Everything felt so strange and fake. He shut his eyes, trying to make the feeling go away. Maybe this was just a part of healing. It had to be. If he felt like shit now, it was nothing compared to how he’d be feeling if he hadn’t spoken to Josef, yes? It would be better now. _Josef is helping me. Josef is helping me. Josef is helping me._

.

A knock on the door woke him up. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep, but it was dark in his room now.

“Dinner!”

He rubbed his eyes and stood, grabbing his glasses. For a moment, he was still. The things that had happened earlier felt as if they were years away rather than hours. Aaron couldn’t tell how he felt now. Not sad, not happy, not scared… Just empty. _Empty. Empty. Empty._

When he went into the dining hall, everyone else was already seated. The servers were almost done packing up but there was a tray sitting for him. He grabbed it and thanked them before turning and looking for Josef. The two met eyes instantly. He had the strange feeling the older man had been watching him the whole time. Aaron swallowed the lump in his throat and took a seat across from him.

“How ya doing, buddy? Feeling any better?”

“Yeah, no, I-I feel a lot better now.”

“I’m glad our conversation helped.”

“No, it was great. It helped a lot.” _Had it?_ Aaron shook the thought from his head. He was being ungrateful. Josef had done a lot for him. It wasn’t fair to question his kindness. “So, um, where were you the last few days? I hardly saw you.”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I guess the whole Mari thing just got to me. She was so sweet. Just the nicest lady. I can’t even imagine what she was going through to do something like that.”

“Yeah. She seemed great. It’s so sad. I never really talked to her. I guess I didn’t realize you did either.”

Something flickered in Josef’s eyes for a moment and the room went cold. Then, as quickly as it had come, it was gone.

“We spoke sometimes. Just before it happened we’d been talking more. Y’know, talking about life and whatnot. Sounds like things were rough between her and her husband.”

“Did you tell the staff about that?”

He was quiet for a moment. “I mean, I would have, but she told me it was really personal and that she didn’t want me blabbing about it. I didn’t realize at the time that she meant it in a long term way.”

“Oh. It’s interesting that she, like, trusted you with something so personal.”

“I guess it is,” he said, giving a strange smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“You should still probably, um, tell someone. It could help with the investigation, y’know?”

“Aaron.” God, there it was again. That look. “I made a promise. I’m not going to break it just because she’s dead.”

“No, of course. I, uh… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-

“It’s fine, Aaron. We all say things we shouldn’t sometimes.”

“Right, yeah. I’m sorry, man.” _Please don’t be angry at me. Please don’t be angry at me. Please don’t be angry at me._

“Anyways, in other news,” Josef said, smiling. “I’m getting out tomorrow too!” Aaron widened his eyes and Josef quickly added, “I heard you mention it on the phone.”

“Oh, okay, yeah. Cool! Do you know what time? I’m getting out at like, 9-ish.”

“No way! I asked my, er, relative to pick me up at 9 too! I don’t know if I mentioned her before. Angela?”

“Oh, yeah! Your cousin, right?”

“Yes! My cousin. I’d offer you a ride, but I don’t know where you live.”

Aaron gave a smile. “No, I get it. I’m near Del Rosa, if you know where that is. Kinda northeast San Bernardino.”

“I know where that is! Yeah, I’m around Crestline. It’s north of here in the mountains. We could totally give you a ride home, no problem.”

“Nah, you don’t have to do that. I’m just gonna get an Uber. I need to go to my mom’s house first thing anyways.”

“Are you sure? Because it’s right on our way.”

“No, it’s okay. Thank you for the offer, though.”

“Alright, if you’re sure.” Josef smiled brightly. “Well, I think I’m gonna head to bed early.”

“Really? It’s only 7:30.”

Josef stood and stretched. “Yeah, tomorrow’s a big day. I’m gonna get started packing and then hit the hay. I’ll see you tomorrow morning, though!”

“Definitely!”

The older man turned in the direction of the door but stopped before looking at Aaron again “God, look at us. Both getting out tomorrow. It’s like it was meant to be, you know? Aaron and Josef, rejoining the real world together. That’s great.” With that, he turned and left. Aaron looked down and realized he hadn’t touched his food yet. He sighed and took a bite, thinking about what Josef had said.

_Together. Together. Together._

.

The next morning, Aaron woke up at 8:00 and went to breakfast right away. He decided to only grab an apple. Josef was nowhere to be seen. He sat alone for a few minutes.

“Aaron?” He looked up and saw Dr. Okonkwo gesturing for him. Throwing his apple core in the trash, he went and met her.

“Alright! Are you excited to be going home?”

“Yeah! Definitely. It’s gonna be weird leaving but, like, good weird.”

“That’s great to hear! So, I just have a few papers for you to sign here,” she said, tapping on the stack in front of her. Aaron nodded and grabbed the pen off the table, putting his signature in the circled areas. “Now, you do still have your safety plan we worked on in your folder, right?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, well, if you’re ever feeling like you might do something to hurt yourself, I want you to look at it and practice some of those coping mechanisms. Of course, you can always call us again if you need to. If it’s an emergency, don’t be hesitant to call 911. Even if it feels silly or unnecessary, remember that this is about your safety. I’ve also included a few hotlines for you on your care plan right here.” She tapped on a few papers to her right. “I’ve sent a refill of your meds to the pharmacy you specified, so be sure to pick those up. We also included all your outpatient appointments in the care plan so you don’t forget, alright?”

“Yeah, got it.”

“Okay! Well, let me call someone to take you to administration to fill out a few more things. I’ll ask her to come down in about 20 minutes so you can grab all your things, okay?”

“Sounds good!” Aaron smiled. Dr. Okonkwo reached out her hand.

“It’s been great getting to work with you, Aaron. I wish you the best of luck.”

“Thank you,” he said, shaking her hand. She led him out of the room and signalled for someone to help him gather his locked items.

.

Thirty minutes later, Aaron was outside on the sidewalk. He shivered a little; the sweater he’d brought wasn’t much against the wind. The leaves had almost all fallen from the trees. He pulled his phone out of his bag and booted it up. Behind him, he heard the door open. He turned and saw Josef.

“Hey, Aaron! God, this is great. Fresh air, nice weather! It’s perfect.” He turned and smiled at Aaron before looking beyond his head at the parking lot. “God, she’s here early.”

“Oh, is that your cousin?”

“It sure is. Man, that sucks. I wanted to talk with you a while longer.” The small red car pulled up to the curb and a woman got out. Her eyes were the color as Josef’s but her hair was dyed a light brown.

“Hey, Josef! How are you?” She ran up to him and gave him a hug.

“I’m great!” He returned the hug before pulling away and gesturing to Aaron. “Angela, this is Aaron.”

“Hi! It’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard a _lot_ about you. Tons, actually.”

“Oh wow. Uh, hopefully good things?”

“Rave reviews, honestly.” She faced Josef. “We should get going. Dad misses you so much.”

“Okay! No problem.” Josef turned towards Aaron, arms extended wide. Aaron smiled and leaned in, hugging the shorter man. “I’ll see you soon, okay? I promise.” Josef ended the hug and started walking towards the car. He put his bags in the backseat and climbed in the passenger seat. Angela turned the car on and put it in drive. Josef waved out the window before they pulled off.

Aaron went to take his phone out of his pocket but stopped suddenly. Angela had said that “dad” misses Josef. Hadn’t Josef said his dad was dead? That he’d committed suicide? But… No, it must have been a misunderstanding. Maybe Angela had meant _her_ dad missed him. It was kind of a weird way to word it, but it couldn’t have been anything else. Josef wouldn’t lie about something like that. It didn’t even make sense to lie about that! _He didn’t lie. He didn’t lie. He didn’t lie._

The blonde sighed and grabbed his phone, needing to think about something else. He punched in his passcode and was immediately greeted by a message from the day before.

_Sara: Hi! It’s Sara. Text me when u get this <3_

_Aaron: Hey! Guess who made it to the outside world?_

Not five seconds later there was typing on the screen.

_Sara: Hello!!! How are you?_

_Aaron: I’m good! Josef just left to go home_

_Sara: He got out today too???_

_Aaron: Yeah! Weird coincidence_

_Sara: A really weird one IMO but hey! Still glad you’re free_

As he was preparing his response, it hit him that he hadn’t remembered to get Josef’s number or any information. He didn’t even know the guy’s last name! Aaron looked down and sighed. This was his one shot and he totally blew it. He muttered curses to himself and pulled up Uber, ordering one to take him to his mom’s house. Then he pulled up Google, hoping he could find something useful. Just as he was writing his search, he got a notification from Facebook.

_Josef Glas sent you a friend request._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am SO GLAD to be back on this series!! i was busy and had writer's block over the holidays, but now i'm here! writing this chapter honestly hurt lmao i hated putting aaron through all of this. i threw in a lot of explanations for some of josef's lies but there's a lot of smaller ones lurking around! let me know if u spot any <3
> 
> anyways, i had a great time with this. i'm so excited to be taking josef to a darker place (and subsequently aaron)
> 
> right now i'm thinking this is gonna be eight chapters, so wow! we're halfway done and haven't even gotten into the really wild stuff lmao


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